This movie opens with a
couple engaging in unenthusiastic sex and then being slashed to death, for what looks like, no good reason at all. We then
cut to a couple in the car -- an Aussie woman and her older, American boyfriend
who also happens to be her professor (scandalous!) and they're traveling to the boyfriend's/professors parent's summer home. We're forced into awful exposition setting: "Gee, I hope your parents like
me. You're my professor, I hope they don't think I'm a slut. Banter, banter…
bantering car banter".
They arrive - the mother is wearing a Jackie O
skirt suit while preparing dinner, so we can all assume that she exclusively
wears pastels, frequently withheld love and accolades, and when introduced, probably
says things like "charmed" or "the pleasure's mine". Camera
shoots to a family portrait - mom, dad, one daughter and three sons. There's
one clear outcast who looks like he's listened to too much Good Charlotte …
more on him later.
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How many blazers and sweater vests can be at a
dinner table before your head explodes? |
The family starts filling
in and they're all awful people who you know the writers specifically created
so you won't miss them when they're ruthlessly murdered. Brother enters wearing
a cardigan over his shoulders and a cleft chin and immediately begins talking
shit to the boyfriend/professor, "Hey poor, fat brother, are you still
poor and fat? I'm better than you and because I'm not poor. Or fat." His
wife is frigid and we can only assume her sole criteria in marriage was a man
who was neither poor nor fat, and while he "romances her" (shoves his
hand up her skirt), she "reciprocates" (puts on lipstick while bent
over the bathroom sink during the short, sad act).
More put-downs of the
poor, fat boyfriend/brother/professor by his father, "you know plenty of
people get fellowships who aren't you because, although I'm not a professor, I
understand how fellowships work." In enters Good Charlotte GC and his
equally emo/Evanescence girlfriend who is super shitty to GC's mom, which
you're sort of on board with but at the same time, you're like, it's his mom, you have to be nice. Next, and last thank God because
this sack-of-crap filled parenting duo shouldn't have had one child let alone
four, is the daughter, a clearly spoiled brat, and her boyfriend, who's
wearing a scarf shawl thing that looks like he wants to either proclaim that
he's questioning his sexuality or that he knows a lot about 20th century
Russian literature.
They all sit down to
dinner, playing their stereotypical roles, Frigid Couple, Emo Couple,
Professor/Schoolgirl Couple, Sister and scarf guy (Seriously, what college guy
wears a shawl?) Dinner begins and murders ensue as arrows fly through the
dining room windows and the family evacuates. The movie continues and people
are being picked off one by one in a Final Destination-esque method, which is
pretty impressive.
After we've resigned ourselves to a house-full massacre, we
find that the School girl (who turns out not to be a slut, but to, in fact,
have a very good head on her shoulders in crises) can really kick some ass as she grew up on a
survivor's commune. This is where things get interesting because she taps into
her inner Xena/Kevin McAlister/Jason Bourne and Home Alone rigs the house to
the murderer's chagrin.
We eventually find that
Good Charlotte and Evanescence hired the murderer's (gasp) in order to cash in
on the family's fortune - at this point there's still two bad guys (sound
familiar, Harry and Marv?) and she lures one to the basement and kills him with
a camera (it was actually pretty cool) and another guy with a hatchet to the
face. She finally faces off with the Emo couple and stabs Evanescence to death
and blends Good Charlotte's brain; while she's sitting there in brain remains
and probably the boiled over second course, Good Charlotte's phone start
ringing so she picks it up - because why wouldn't you pick up your almost
murderer's phone- to hear her boyfriend (the professor/poor and fat brother)
asking if "it was done".
Guys! Her boyfriend was in on it with the Emo
couple to kill everyone to get his families' money - and also I'm sure bonus
points to kill their awful sister and prick brother. She's pissed, as who
wouldn't be? I get mad when my boyfriend doesn't put away dishes. He reassures her that she was never in harm's way and she was
meant to be saved and testify that these masked mad men went on a neighborhood killing spree. Scorned neighbors from a block party gone wrong? She's still of course pissed because, who knows if that's even true?!
She risked death for a fat, poor professor who couldn't even get a fellowship?
Girl, Xena wouldn't have that.
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| Lady Power! |
Overall, the plot was
awful and predictable as were the characters. However, my inner feminist
absolutely loved watching this girl set up deadly booby traps and smash
people's heads in with kitchen appliances. I say - Watch it if you like gore
and if you need some fresh ideas on how to rig your home against potential
masked murderers.
