Reviews of Halloween Movies: You're Next

This movie opens with a couple engaging in unenthusiastic sex and then being slashed to death, for what looks like, no good reason at all. We then cut to a couple in the car -- an Aussie woman and her older, American boyfriend who also happens to be her professor (scandalous!) and they're traveling to the boyfriend's/professors parent's summer home. We're forced into awful exposition setting: "Gee, I hope your parents like me. You're my professor, I hope they don't think I'm a slut. Banter, banter… bantering car banter". 

They arrive - the mother is wearing a Jackie O skirt suit while preparing dinner, so we can all assume that she exclusively wears pastels, frequently withheld love and accolades, and when introduced, probably says things like "charmed" or "the pleasure's mine". Camera shoots to a family portrait - mom, dad, one daughter and three sons. There's one clear outcast who looks like he's listened to too much Good Charlotte … more on him later.

How many blazers and sweater vests can be at a
dinner table before your head explodes?

The family starts filling in and they're all awful people who you know the writers specifically created so you won't miss them when they're ruthlessly murdered. Brother enters wearing a cardigan over his shoulders and a cleft chin and immediately begins talking shit to the boyfriend/professor, "Hey poor, fat brother, are you still poor and fat? I'm better than you and because I'm not poor. Or fat." His wife is frigid and we can only assume her sole criteria in marriage was a man who was neither poor nor fat, and while he "romances her" (shoves his hand up her skirt), she "reciprocates" (puts on lipstick while bent over the bathroom sink during the short, sad act).

More put-downs of the poor, fat boyfriend/brother/professor by his father, "you know plenty of people get fellowships who aren't you because, although I'm not a professor, I understand how fellowships work." In enters Good Charlotte GC and his equally emo/Evanescence girlfriend who is super shitty to GC's mom, which you're sort of on board with but at the same time, you're like, it's his mom, you have to be nice. Next, and last thank God because this sack-of-crap filled parenting duo shouldn't have had one child let alone four, is the daughter, a clearly spoiled brat, and her boyfriend, who's wearing a scarf shawl thing that looks like he wants to either proclaim that he's questioning his sexuality or that he knows a lot about 20th century Russian literature.

They all sit down to dinner, playing their stereotypical roles, Frigid Couple, Emo Couple, Professor/Schoolgirl Couple, Sister and scarf guy (Seriously, what college guy wears a shawl?) Dinner begins and murders ensue as arrows fly through the dining room windows and the family evacuates. The movie continues and people are being picked off one by one in a Final Destination-esque method, which is pretty impressive. 

After we've resigned ourselves to a house-full massacre, we find that the School girl (who turns out not to be a slut, but to, in fact, have a very good head on her shoulders in crises)  can really kick some ass as she grew up on a survivor's commune. This is where things get interesting because she taps into her inner Xena/Kevin McAlister/Jason Bourne and Home Alone rigs the house to the murderer's chagrin.

We eventually find that Good Charlotte and Evanescence hired the murderer's (gasp) in order to cash in on the family's fortune - at this point there's still two bad guys (sound familiar, Harry and Marv?) and she lures one to the basement and kills him with a camera (it was actually pretty cool) and another guy with a hatchet to the face. She finally faces off with the Emo couple and stabs Evanescence to death and blends Good Charlotte's brain; while she's sitting there in brain remains and probably the boiled over second course, Good Charlotte's phone start ringing so she picks it up - because why wouldn't you pick up your almost murderer's phone- to hear her boyfriend (the professor/poor and fat brother) asking if "it was done". 

Guys! Her boyfriend was in on it with the Emo couple to kill everyone to get his families' money - and also I'm sure bonus points to kill their awful sister and prick brother. She's pissed, as who wouldn't be? I get mad when my boyfriend doesn't put away dishes. He reassures her that she was never in harm's way and she was meant to be saved and testify that these masked mad men went on a neighborhood killing spree. Scorned neighbors from a block party gone wrong? She's still of course pissed because, who knows if that's even true?! She risked death for a fat, poor professor who couldn't even get a fellowship? Girl, Xena wouldn't have that.

Lady Power!

Overall, the plot was awful and predictable as were the characters. However, my inner feminist absolutely loved watching this girl set up deadly booby traps and smash people's heads in with kitchen appliances. I say - Watch it if you like gore and if you need some fresh ideas on how to rig your home against potential masked murderers.