Things I Don't Understand...

This world is strange and there's a lot I don't understand - let's explore: 

1. People who don't enjoy pumpkin-flavored foods and drinks. I don't think they're to be trusted. 

2. Engagement Photos
1. These pictures are a lie - relationships are not walking down a beach or strolling through a wheat field. Relationships are fights in grocery stores and watching Netflix in sweatpants that should have made it to the laundry days ago.

I love to hold hands and stand three feet from my boyfriend

3. Men who wear short-sleeved button ups. You look like a park ranger. Wear a long sleeved shirt and roll the sleeves up like an adult.

4. Paying more than $200 for a purse

5. Hollywood's obsession with comic book characters. Antman? Let's all acknowledge we're getting desperate.

6. The fact people think the following TV shows were actually good:
1. How I Met Your Mother
1. The premise is charming, the execution is painful
2. Two and a Half Men
1. This is Full House with Stephanie when she in her loser phase and a combined Jesse and Joey - no thanks.
3. Big Bang Theory
1. This show is full of actors who are all phoning it in. Their perilous performance could be saved if there were a few people peppered in who could actually act. Alas, there are not.. Also, the story line is not plausible. 

7. Wearing heels so high you can't walk
1. Ladies you're not doing yourself any favors. If your plan is to snag a gentleman, you'll have a harder time when you look like a brand new baby deer on ice.

8. People who live in Kansas and Oklahoma
1. I picture these states full of tiny towns that have absolutely nothing going on except for frequent tornadoes and an occasional pie fair in the summer.

Mmmmmm.... apple pie and twisters. What summers are made of...

9. Sprinkle parties
1. You got married - I got you a present (probably a few), you had a baby, I got you a present, you get pregnant a second time,  you can take care of the wardrobe updates yourself. 

10. People who drink Chardonnay of their own free will

California Dreams?

I've been incredibly neglectful because I was recently abducted by a family band, forced to tour the country singing 60's show tunes. Just kidding, that would have been amazing and I would have considered it an honor, not an abduction. 

I did, however, recently moved to California for a job - I packed all of my worldly possessions into semi truck and hauled it across country. However, when I say "packed" I mean that I hired someone to do it for me and when I say "hauled it across country" I mean that I hired someone to drive it through some of the worst states this country has to offer.

 We moved from lovely, upscale Ravenswood/Lincoln Square to Long Beach which in some places is a hopping, upscale neighborhood, and in others, has office chairs on the front porch. We would be woken up at all hours of the night due to our downstairs neighbors watching anything from Mrs. Doubtfire (great choice) to Independence Day at 3am. They were eventually evicted and we first noticed when they were throwing all of their belongings off their balcony, although, I first should have guessed when they were lighting fireworks out of their window at 4am. ON A TUESDAY. Our pregnant next door neighbor smokes pot. 

I learned that Ray Ray needed to get a job, but that he was trying and that another tenant was NOT jealous of some woman who was lactating at 40. People would honk for minutes on end to some crappy unending tune during the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning. Once when this happened, I went outside in a nightgown and a face covered in a mud mask to scream at the offenders - because who can watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer over a domestic dispute? - only to find a car stopped in the middle of the street with people standing outside screaming. It would happen at all hours and although I could do nothing about Ray Ray, our firecracker lighting neighbors, and people who use office furniture as lawn chairs, I could at least go out into the world and find some choice specimens:

1. Ergonomic office chair on the porch anyone?

1. Racerback tee
2. Black pants
3. Tank top tucked into black pants
4. Patchy back hair
5. Sherbet hat

This man was dressed as the Eater bunny and carried around a duck that he kept on his shoulder the whole night he continuously talked to.